England are knocked out of the Qatar World Cup...
December 18, 2022
The lowest England fans have felt since the Euros. And then the dramatic comeback.
Morrocco, Croatia, France and Argentina are all disqualified from the tournament following 4 red cards each in their respective games. The referees convene around the rulebook and award England the cup because of their exemplary disciplinary record. They had the fewest cards in the quarter finals – and now they have the cup.
Scenes of jubilation wash over the country, our first World Cup win in almost 60 years! It’s coming home, now it’s just a matter of physically carrying it over and it’s ours forever. While the country goes wild, the rest of the world is bewildered. How did this happen? How did all four of the semi-finalists bottle it together, over two games, 44 players, and the subs? Most gutted of all are the tournament’s heroes, the Atlas Lions, who came so far. But England fans don’t care, and why should we? We’ve never fitted in with the rest of the world anyway, we’ve never even heard of them. They don’t understand us and it’s our game. Fuck ‘em.
The Qatar World Cup concludes with a ceremony that takes place in an empty stadium built by slaves. Videos of the referees waving “play on” at potential England yellow cards have been circling the web, transmitted by England’s bitter rivals. Harry Kane, club captain, steps up in his full kit. He takes the trophy, lifting it triumphantly over his head. There is a round of applause. Manager Gareth Southgate is beside himself, his eyes filled with fatherly love. He reaches out both hands expectantly, ready to take his turn. The time comes and Kane lowers the trophy, taking a deep and satisfied breath. He glides past Southgate’s outstretched embrace, trophy in hand. The team stay frozen in place, watching their captain as he trots down the five flights of stairs cooly.
Harry hops over the advertising boards and walks out onto the pitch. The trophy feels so natural in his hands. There is a ball on the penalty spot and he pauses briefly before chipping it over the bar decisively and with ease. He lets out a deep belly laugh, and now with his free hand is waving to the almost empty stands like a member of the Royal Family. Harry never looks back to his teammates who are still waiting for him on the podium. He approaches a cameraman with a message. “Sorry lads, this one’s coming back to White Hart Lane”. He giggles, then he exits.
The World is watching as Kane makes his way back on a private jet. #LetGarethHoldIt is trending on Twitter, but he doesn’t know; he hasn’t read it. He gets off his flight at London Luton and drives himself to the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. Presumably this is where our trophy cabinet is kept. He buzzes Daniel Levy to ask for directions but the chief has some bad news: he sold the cabinet years ago to someone he found on Facebook.